As you may have noticed, my posts really are somewhat odd. I aspire them to be something along the lines of a poem, but as I walk you through the emotions I contain. I guess you could say they are poems to the power of emotions. I know they don’t fit any stanza, but they are my way of being me. More of these are probably to come in the next day… ohh internet that doesn’t even see these.
Not really to be honest.
I was alone most of the day, an odd thing considering.
I did a lot of things today, but none the less.
I was bored, and I only sowed more sadness.
Today was nothing but a rut.
A rut I wish I could have left on the shelf.
That shelf, hopefully, long lost.
That shelf, hopefully, filled with dust.
Today… was nothing but a … rut.
Look at where you are!
Look in the mirror!
Do you see what I see?
I see potential.
I see possibilities.
I see an adventure.
However, what I see is only what could be.
Only what could be if you let yourself climb.
Climb to the top.
Climb to the top!
If the climbing gets tough, then climb some more.
For otherwise you will be nothing more then you are now.
What a waste that I see.
How sad are you.
How I wish I could push you to climb some more.
Would you like some help?
For I am here.
Don’t jump back down.
I know you feel safe down there.
However, you don’t belong in a hole.
You belong up there.
Up there with the songs.
Up there with the sunsets.
Up there with the passionate beating of the ocean.
For you are better then what you are now.
What do I need to say for you to climb?
Follow me, for I am climbing to my horizon.
Can you hold this?
Can you keep it to yourself?
Can you understand what I am about to tell you?
For I am about to tell you what no one else views.
For I am about to tell you what no one else hears.
For I am about to tell you what no one else tastes.
For I am about to tell you what no one else smells.
For I am about to tell you what no one else feels.
Do you fathom what I am about to tell you?
I’m about to tell you what I know.
Why did you tell?
Why did you let them know?
Why are you incapable of seeing what you did?
Do you think you made a difference?
Do you think you understand where this will go?
No, you do not.
I thought you could be an individual.
I thought you were better then this.
I’ll save my breath, and I’ll be on my horizon.
Though I beg you to climb.
For one day you may rise above what you did.
Though I won’t be there to see it.
Just know, I’m glad you took the chance to rise above it.
Maybe you can mend the dominoes you just kicked over?
Ohh, why am I asking, it is too late.
The dominoes just keep falling.
What a shame.
It was going to be a masterpiece.
Only a few of thee know me now.
Be careful where thee treads now.
For if it is upon me, I shall vanquish thee.
Thee shall only know then as what used to be me.
For I will be done with thee.
I will be on my horizon.
Look upon me once more, as this is thee’s last chance.
I was looking for something.
Something that I couldn’t find.
I was looking for not just something, but someone.
Someone that I couldn’t find.
I was not looking for just someone, but an individual.
An individual that would be honest and true.
I am still looking….
I am still looking….
Ohh, why do I keep looking…
I do not know, but I keep looking…
Will you be what I am looking for?
For if you are not, then look….
Look what you caused….
Look what you created…
Look at what you have become…
For I am still looking….
Ohh, please, be the one I am looking for…
For I might drowned in all these lies….
For I might suffocate in all this pain….
For I might be incinerated in all that you have created….
For I am still looking….
Will you be what I am looking for?
For if you won’t, let me know…
For I have to keep moving…
Moving along my horizon….
For I am still looking for that individual whom is honest and true.
I feel a light lurch. I look up to see a string snap, something I am all too familiar with. I tap your shoulder, and you look back at me, smile, and then turn your head. I sigh, and wait for a few. I feel another light lurch, but this time, like all the last, just a tad bit stronger. I once again tap your shoulders, and you look back, and simply ignore me entirely, as if I am inconveniencing you. You quickly and gracefully snap your head back to where it was looking a few moments ago. I wait patiently and I feel another lurch, once again stronger then the last. This time I don’t even bother poking your strong shoulders. I just watch to see if you will notice the lurch as well. Yet, to my disheartening you are unfazed in your gaze away from me. I look down in sadness, and I feel a massive lurch, something like I have never felt before. I look up to see myself more distant from you, hanging by threads firmly attached to you, but to my sadness, I see you, on your pedestal, still looking into the distance. I begin looking around, hoping to find something, someone, anything for that matter that might make you notice me. I frantically try each thing I see. You, startled at my distance, bring me back closer to you and gleefully smile at my attempts, but they don’t keep your interest long, I see you slowly begin moving your majestic face to a position I once again can’t see, a position that is too common. Another lurch and I fall once more, to the position you just rescued me from, but you take no notice. You just keep staring out into the distance, and I let my head sag to an outright distraught position. I look up once more to see amazingly your beautiful eyes, with there Ocean like deepness. I begin to smile just seeing them, and I tear up. You bring me closer once more and mend the strings that snapped, and I’m happy once more. I soon get tired, and fall asleep in my cradle of strings, happy, content, and passionate.
I wake up the next morning with a happy, refreshed, and excited smile brimming from ear to ear. I wait patiently, quietly praying to myself that you will wake up soon. So I can see those beautiful eyes once more. I keep waiting, keep praying, and soon you crack your eye lids. I gleefully squeal .Morning., and you quietly, almost surprised, acknowledge my happiness. We begin chit chatting, and you say you love me and I say .I love you.. Then you turn your back to me, and begin fiddling with your daily life, ignoring me once again in the process. I once again begin looking around, and talking to myself, wondering if I am doing something wrong, arguing with myself if I am the problem of why you stare away. I can’t fathom what I am doing right, nor what I am doing wrong. I notice you stopped fiddling, and quickly ask .Am I doing something wrong?., you with your golden hair turn and smile, and say .No… Feeling re-assured I begin fiddling on my own daily life, just as you continue to do yours.
Later, we both slow down, and I ask .How went the fiddling?. You quickly smile and exclaim .great.. I try once more to keep your attention, but I soon fail. Just like many of the nights before, you slowly take those amazing ocean blue eyes and adjust them in a position that I no longer can bask in. I pout lightly at the sadness of seeing them go, and slowly begin fiddling until I pass out, but all the while feeling those steady lurches of strings snapping.
I awoke groggy the next morning from the turbulent sleeping conditions, but then I see your eyes, those blue beautiful eyes, and I throw away the grogginess for you. However, sadly, you quickly begin fiddling, and I soon fit into my norm of fiddling too. The fiddling gives me time to think, and I begin to wonder what you gaze at. I pat your strong shoulders, and I ask .My wonderful, what do you gaze at?. You lightly giggle and point down the way, at her, something I never noticed before. Something too distant for me to touch, but something none the less better then I. You smile and say .I love her. and begin to slowly gaze at her. This time, This time, the strings snap like something had just been cut through them, like they all just decided enough was enough and I begin falling, I panic and quickly grab a hold of the few remaining strings that I can muster, and I firmly attach them to myself. I continue to panic, and I look down for the first time at what is below me. To my horror all I see is a black fog, a cold, uncaring, and unrelenting black fog. I gently tug on the strings, pouting, ashamed, and saddened. You quickly realize the predicament, and begin mending the strings. You bring me closer once more. However, it doesn’t take long for you to begin to forget about mending my boring, unwanted strings, and you begin starting at her.
I begin to cry, and wish for what I can’t seem to hold onto any longer, I begin to refuse myself the simple pleasure of seeing your amazing blue eyes, your engaging smile, and I sit there and pout. I sit there, and begin snapping a few of the strings myself, in anger, and in disgust for my own weakness towards you, and I in a raged spirit begin ripping the anchors you have in me. It hurts as I pull them with my jaw clinching tightly, as they tear out of my soul. Ripping those anchors that I had planned so thoughtfully for you, so passionately for you, and so lovingly for you and I keep ripping them out in screams of anger and frustration. Soon the rage fades, but I still hang there, writhing in the pain that I caused myself, and I look up. To my idiotic horror you still look at her. However, how can I blame you, my beautiful love. I can’t be mad at you with those amazing, and powerful eyes. So I decide that I shall do you a favor because you are my love, and I love you most deer. I begin cutting into myself once more with a methodical tenacity, and I remove those anchors slowly one, by one, so that you wont notice. I cry at the pain, but I choke them back because I love you. Soon, it will come to one last anchor, I know, and I will plummet into the cold black fog so that you can be with her because I love you.
Good bye my love, I will miss you, I will cherish you, but we were not meant to be. I blow a kiss to you, and then silence.
Humans are like walnuts. We have scars littering our hard and cold outer face from failed attempts, loves lost, friends whom we shall never see again, heart aches for a better world, and our own failures. It looks cold, undaunted, and ever unchanging. However, deep down there is a little plant. This plant protected from general harm, is not unchangeable though. Oddly it is always changing and growing, and when you give it warmth, and love, it will feel warm, but when you give it coldness and bitterness, it will feel cold and damaged, searching for the great warmth it so desires. So, when you see our cold outer shell don’t think we don’t feel the things you have caused because we have, and it hurts sometimes, and other times it makes us feel like we are basking in the great warmth of the sun on a beautiful beach. It is your choice on how you wish to apply your energy, maybe take a breath, and breathe a little warmth onto the walnut, and watch it turn into a amazing friend, or you can do the easier option and fling hate at it and etch another scar in that walnut to simply make your own selfish, worthless, unneeded, piece of shit feel like you are “better”, when you are frankly still a walnut, who has scars of there own, which you will never get over because you threw away all the beautiful people who would have blown some warmth into your life.
Do you see what you are doing?
Do you see what you are causing?
Do you see what you have let unfold?
You have opened up a box of Pandora.
You have let yourself become the box.
What ever you see.
What ever you hear.
What ever you taste.
What ever you smell.
and worst of all….
What ever you touch.
It gets affected by the box’s influence.
What a shame.
I’m going to cry.
I’m going to scream.
I’m going to shake my head in disbelief.
You killed it.
You ruined it.
You soiled it.
I’m getting angry.
I’m looking at what you caused.
I’m furious at what you have done.
Can’t you see it?
Can’t you hear it?
Can’t you taste it?
Can’t You smell it?
Can’t you feel it?
You have ruined it.
It was once beautiful.
It was once full of life.
My anger fades away.
My sorrow builds up.
I begin to cry once more.
It is now full of sadness.
It is now full of disgust.
It is now full of pain.
It is now full of poison.
You robbed it of what it could be!
Your own selfishness?
Your own insecurities?
Your own problems?
Your own inability to climb?
The anger seeps back into me.
You are better then this!
You should not be hurting them!
Don’t you see?
You are destroying them!
For what, your box of selfishness?
I can only bestow my condolences.
What a waste.
For you should be climbing for the songs.
For you should be climbing for the sunsets.
For you should be climbing for the passionate beating of the ocean.
For you should be on your horizon.
For only there will you find what will fill your heart to the brim and more.
I have decided to rebuild this badly outdated site, so things may change vibrantly at any moment! Bare with me!